Wigeze ukunda umuntu bikarangira ubibabariyemo ugakomereka umutima ku buryo wumva wazinutswe gukunda? Nta cyizere wumva uzongera kugirira uwo ari we wese mu rukundo? Waba warakunze umuntu ukamwimariramo ukamwiha wese utamubangikanya n’undi hanyuma akaguhemukira ndetse ukamenya ko yanakubeshyaga akuryarya agutendeka anaguca inyuma? Hano, inzobere mu by’urukundo n’imibanire ziragusobanurira inzira wacamo ukongera ukabona urukundo ugakunda ugakundwa ukanyurwa n’uburyohe bw’urukundo gabo gore.
Nyuma yo gutandukana n’umukunzi we mu myaka itanu ishize, Sarah amaze gukundana n’abandi basore babiri. Agira ati “Buri gihe iyo mbitekerejeho n’ibikomere nagiriye mu rukundo, igitekerezo cyo kongera kwizera umuntu nk’uko byari bimeze mbere mpita ncyikuramo vuba na bwangu.”Rimwe, Sarah yagiye kuri rumwe izi mbuga ziranga abakunzi “dating apps” ariko nyuma y’amasaha 24, ahita arusiba muri telefone ye. “Biragora ko nareba ‘profile’ y’umuntu ngo ngire icyiza nayibonamo,” ni Sarah ukomeza atubarira inkuru ye.
None se, Sarah, urumva wifuza kugira undi muhura mugakundana?
Iki kibazo Sarah agisubiza adatindiganije ati “Yego. Cyane rwose.” Ariko akongeraho ati “Gusa ikigero n’urwego nizeragaho abantu cyarangiritse cyane. Birangora ndetse ndwana na byo cyane kuba nagerageza kuba hari umuntu nakunda bisesuye kuko kumwizera binanira.”
Iyo ubabariye mu rukundo, hari ubwo ubwawe witakariza: icyizereSarah w’imyaka 44 yatandukanye n’umukunzi we nyuma y’imyaka umunani bari mu rukundo. Bari baremeranije kuzabyara nyuma, ariko, nk’uko abivuga, uyu mugabo we yatangiye ingeso zo kwikunda n’ubugugu bukabije ndetse atangira gukoresha nabi cyane amafaranga.Nyuma yo gutandukana na we, uyu mugabo yamweruriye ko burya bwose nta gahunda yigeze agira no kuzubakana na we ngo babyarane bareme umuryango.“Nkimara kumva aya magambo, numvise ari nk’aho isi indangiriyeho kuko mu gukunda uyu mugabo nari narabaye nk’utakiri njye ubwanjye. Impinduka zambayeho zirakomeye cyane nubwo numvaga nshaka kuva muri uru rukundo,” ni Sarah ukomeza atubarira inkuru ye.
Akomeza agira ati “Numvaga naratsinzwe nk’umuntu. Si ikibazo gusa cyo kwizera abandi bantu, ahubwo ni ukwiyizera ubwanjye. Kuko mbere urukundo nakunze uyu mugabo ari jye warwijyanyemo mbizi kandi mbishaka, ubu njye ubwanjye sincyiyizera ndetse nshidikanya ku mahitamo yanjye; ubutaha se bizaba bite?”
Ubwo ikinyamakuru The Guardian cyabazaga abasomyi bacyo mu gisa n’ubushakashatsi ngo bavuge ku byababayeho byatumye batakariza urukundo icyizere, ibisubizo byabo byinshi byagiye bigusha ku buryo bagiye bahohoterwa n’abagabo babo, mu gihe bamwe bagiye basanga abo bakundanaga barabacaga inyuma ubundi abandi bagasanga abo bizeraga barabashushanyaga nta gisa n’urukundo mu by’ukuri bigeze babagirira.
Umugore umwe. w’umwirabura, yatahuye ko yabaye yari yarabaye urukiniro rw’abagabo b’abazungu.Mu rukundo rwe ruheruka, ubwo hari ku nshuro ya kabiri gusa ahuye n’uwo mugabo barambagizanyaga, uyu mugabo yagerageje kumusoma no kumukorakora, maze umugore arabyanga kuko yumvaga atabishaka, hanyuma umugabo amubwira ko nta handi bazongera guhurira, ko ubwo nyine buri wese yaca inzira ye undi agaca iye.
“Ibi byose binyereka ko abagabo ari abantu bafite imibiri ishyuha vuba kandi iyo utabahaye icyo umubiri wabo ushaka badatindiganya kuba bahita banakwanga bataranamenya icyabiguteye,” ni ko uyu mugore yandikiye kiriya kinyamakuru mu buhamya bwe.
Imwe mu nama abavuzi b’indwara zo mu mutwe batanga ni ugufata igihe gihagije ukabona gusubira mu rukundo
Umujyanama n’umuganga w’indwara zo mu mutwe (therapist) ni umuntu wagufasha atabogamye ahereye ku kubanza kugutega amatwi akumva ibyo wahuye na byo igihe wakomerekeye mu rukundo.Umugabo umwe w’imyaka 54, amaze hafi iyi myaka ye y’ubukure ari ingaragu (nta mugore nta n’akana afite) kubera ibyamubayeho mu rukundo yakundanaga n’umukobwa bakiri muri kaminuza.Ati “Kugeza ubu sindabasha kwakira igihombo n’agahinda nagiriye muri urwo rukundo ndetse rwose sindabasha kuba narurenza amaso ngo nkomeze ntere intambwe zindi z’ubuzima ngana imbere.”
Na ho umugore w’imyaka 47 yaranditse ati: “Ndananiwe. Nanijwe n’amateka yo kujya mu rukundo icyo nkunze ntikinkudire no gukomereka ngashenguka mu marangamutima. Sinshobora kugerageza bundi bushya kuko ntinya kuba nakongera ngahumwa amaso n’urukundo nkabibabariramo na none.“Uburibwe buterwa no kuba mu rukundo rubi ntibugushiramo. Iyo utekereje gusubira mu rukundo igihe wababajwe ukanahemukirwa mu rwabanje wibaza niba utagiye gusubira mu bintu bisa na bya bindi na none,” ni ko Jo Hemmings, umuganga w’indwara, umujyanama n’umutoza mu myitwarire, avuga.Agira ati: “Iyo ubabariye mu rukundo, kandi nta kosa uzi wakoze wowe, urashidikanya ukumva ntiwarusubiramo ngo ujyanemo ibirenge byawe byombi kuko uba utinya ko ibyakubayeho byakwisubiramo.”
Hemmings avuga ko uba ukeneye gufata igihe cyo gutekereza ku byabaye ndetse niba hatari ibintu utari uzi cyangwa wahisemo kwirengagiza. Ibi ngo bigufasha kumenya noneho ibyo uzirinda, “nubwo ibi nyine bitaguha amakuru yose ku cyo ukeneye mu by’ukuri.”Aha rero, umujyanama (therapist) na ho aba akenewe ngo agufashe kumenya icyo wakwigira ku byo wanyuzemo mu rukundo.“Birahumuriza kuba inshuti zawe zikurema agatima zikubwira ngo ‘n’ubundi jye uriya mukunzi wawe sinanamukundaga; nyamara ibi iteka si ko bifasha,” ni ko uyu mujyanama Hemmings avuga.
Nta cyo bitwaye na gito kuba uri ‘single’
Hemmings kandi ashimangira ko kuba nta mukunzi ufite nta cyo bitwaye ndetse ngo si n’ikibazo gikwiye kuguhangayikisha gusa niba wumva ushaka gusubira mu rukundo, kuba witonze ugafata igihe ni ibintu byakugirira inyungu cyane.Igihe bimara bitandukana bitewe n’uko nyine buri wese ateye, ubushobozi bwo kiwhanganira ibibi bimubayeho ndetse n’uko yakira ibimubabaje n’ingaruka bimugizeho.Icyakora ngo ikizakwereka ko witeguye kujya mu rukundo na none ni igihe wumva ko nujya mu rukundo ibintu bizagenda neza.
Uba ukwiye kwibaza uti: “Ese niteguye mu by’ukuri kujya muri uru rukundi, ibyambaho ndurimo n’ingaruka zabyo niteguye kuzirengera? Ese niteguye kwigira amasomo ku rukundo rwambabaje nahozemo nkayakoresha cyangwa ndacyatekereza ko bitazagenda neza nindujyamo. Ese ubu sinizera abagabo, cyangwa abagore…”Iyo ugiye kujya mu rukundo warababariye mu rwabanje, haba hari ibyago iteka ko ushobora kuzatenguhirwa mu rushya ugiyemo ndetse ukongera ugakomereka umutima bikaba nk’aho ushinzwe inkota mu nkovu cyangwa mu bikomere ubwabyo cyane ko uburibwe ukuye mu rukundo busa n’ubuhoraho, ni ko Hemmings avuga.
Nyamara iyo ufashe igihe cyo kwigira ku ‘nkundo’ zindi wabayemo aho kwihutira gusimbukira mu rundi, “bigufasha neza gutahura ibimenyetso by’urushobora kukubabaza cyangwa urwo uzishimiramo”.
Benshi muri twe “dukunda gusa n’aho tubona urukundo nk’ikintu kibaho kigakunda cyangwa kikanga ‘pass or fail’,” ni ko Cate Campbell, umujyanama ku mibanire, ihuzabitsina n’ihungabana akanaba n’umuganga w’indwara zo mu mutwe.Agira ati: “Niba utekereza urukundo mu buryo bwo kwiyubaka nk’umuntu, nta kabuza, bizagukomerera kurushaho gutsinda cyangwa gutsindwa: dore icyabaye, icyagenze neza ni iki, iki ni cyo nifuza mu rukundo rw’ahazaza, na ho icyo ntifuza ni iki.”Campbell arabaza ati: “Niba utinya kongera gutangira ubuzima bwawe bw’urukundo, ni iki mu by’ukuri kiguteye ubwoba? Kuba ibyakubayeho byakwisubiramo? Niba uzi icyo utinya ari cyo, ubwo wakigiraho amakenga ukacyirinda. Kenshi, utinya gusubira mu rukundo kuko ufite ubwoba bwo kubengwa, ‘guterwa indobo’ mbese.
Niba ari icyo, nk’uko Campbell abivuga, tekereza neza umenye icyo ushaka mu by’ukuri mu rukundo wifuza kujyamo. Ese urashaka ko urukundo ruba urw’igihe kirekire ndetse uwo mukundana mukazabana iteka cyangwa urashaka kuryoshya gusa? Ese uko kuryoshya ni bwoko ki?Jya ujya mu rukundo uzi icyo ushaka, bitari ugutekereza ngo: nzabimenya nimba ndi mu rukundo nimbona uyu ashaka ko tubana iteka, ubwo ni bwo nzamenya icyo gukora.”
Ni ukuri, gukira ibikomere by’urukundo rubi wabayemo ukabyibagirwa ntibibe bikigufasheho biterwa n’ikigero warubabariyemo ndetse n’uko uburibwe rwaguteye bwanganaga.Bishobora no gufata imyaka niba nk’uwo mwakundanaga yaragukoreraga ihohotera cyane cyane iribabaza umutima- kandi benshi ntibamenya ko ari uku biba byaragenze, “bituma bagwa mu makosa bakoze mbere maze bakongera bakababara ubutaha,” nk’uko Campbell akomeza abivuga.Ibi rero ni byo bituma ari iby’agaciro cyane gufata igihe ntiwihutire kujya mu rundi rukundo, ahubwo ukemera kwiha igihe cyo gukira ibyabaye.
Ku bantu bababariye mu rukundo, ikintu benshi bakora ni uguhita bajya kuri za mbuga abantu bashakiraho abakunzi
Iyo tuvuga gutakariza urukundo icyizere, “icyo bisobanura mu by’ukuri ni ugukatakariza icyizere ubushobozi bwacu n’igikundiro cyacu,” nk’uko bivugwa na Hilda Burke, umuganga w’indwara zo mu mutwe n’umujyanama w’ababiri bakundana (couples counselor).Burke agira ati: “Abantu benshi baza iwanjye baje gushaka ubujyanama n’ubuvuzi iyo bagize ubunararibonye bubi mu rukundo cyangwa barakomerekeye mu rwo babayemo bakaza gutandukana n’abo bakundanaga.
Icyo dukora cya mbere ni ukubigisha no kubatoza kwizera ko ari abo gukundwa, ko bafite igikundiro ndetse bakwiriye gukunda bakanakundwa. Ibyo kandi bitangirira mu kwikunda ubwacu. Iyo uri muri urwo ruziga rw’ibitekerezo, uratekereza uti: “Ni kuki umuntu atanyishimira ngo ankunde?’’
Nyamara ku bantu benshi bashavujwe cyangwa bakabengwa, kuri ubu aho isi igeze, ikintu ahita akora ni ukujya kuri za mbuga bashakiraho abakunzi.Burke akomeza ati: “Mu biganza byacu ubu dufite igikoresho gitanga isezerano ry’urukundo, ihuzabitsina. Nshobora kunyereza urutoki ngahita mbona umuntu ubona ko ndi mwiza.” Ibi bitwongerera dopamine [umsemburo w’ibyishimo], kandi inyibagiza bwa buribwe mu gihe runaka.”
Icyakora bene ibi nta cyo bifasha- cyane cyane iyo abantu benshi bagiye kuri izi mbuga bagatererwayo utudobo kurushaho.“Abakiliya banjye benshi baba barabaye muri urwo ruziga rwo kubabazwa, kumva badakunzwe, kujya mu rukundo bazi ko ruzabakiza ibikomere ahubwo bakaruhuriramo n’urubibatera kurushaho, noneho agahinda kakaba akasamutwe.”
Iyo wumva ko witeguye kongera kurambagiza ukajya mu rukundo na noneno, cyane cyane igihe ukoresha bene ziriya mbuga bashakiraho urukundo, Burke akugira inama ko mbere y’uko wishyiramo cyane umuntu muzihuriyeho, icyiza ari uko mwabanza mugahura imbonankubone.
Ati: “Ntekereza ko kwandikirana by’igihe kirekire bituma umera nk’ujya mu gisa n’inzozi zo ku manywa z’icyo uwo muntu yaba ari cyo ndetse n’icyo ashobora kuguha mu rukundo, kandi ushobora kuzumva ubabaye utengushwe cyane igihe mwaba muhuye maze uko wamutekerezaga cyangwa wanamubonaga ku mbuga ugasanga bihabanye n’uko ateye mu buzima busanzwe.”
Burke ajya inama ko mwajya mufata akanya cyangwa umunsi mugasohokana, maze bikagufasha kugabanya igitutu n’ibyo wakwitega ku mukunzi wawe wenda adafite.
Habaho kumva utengushywe (disappointment) no gusa n’uwo babenze nubwo mu by’ukuri nta n’urukundo rufatika ruba rwarabayeho nyamara haba hari ukuntu wiyumvisemo umuntu ukamwishyiramo.“None se mu by’ukuri urashaka urukundo rw’inzozi cyangwa urashaka urukundo nyarwo rufatika n’umuntu uzi utitezeho ibyo atagira?,” ni ikibazo cya Burke.
Ugomba kumenya ko umubano uwo ari wo wose w’urukundo ushobora kubaho ukagenda neza ku bw’impamvu iyo ari yo yose kimwe n’uko wanasenyuka ku mpamvu iyo ari yo yose.
‘Aba umwe agatukisha bose: Niba umuhemukiwe n’uyu, wikumva ko n’uriya ari ko azakugenza
Nyuma y’aho urugo rwe rusenyukiye atandukanye n’umugabo we, Lauren yatangiye kujya mu rukundo nyuma y’amezi abiri.“Nsubije amaso inyuma, ndemera ko hari uburyo nababazwaga n’utuntu duto kandi nkaba umuntu udashaka kwemera amakosa yanjye. Nari wa muntu nanjye ubwanjye ntifuza kuba nabana na we mu rukundo: umuntu utari yiteguye kandi utakabaye yarabayeho mbere hose.”Iyi myitwarire Lauren yayiterwaga n’uburibwe yavanye mu gusenyuka k’urugo rwe rwasenyutse ubwo yatahuraga ko umugabo we yasambanaga n’undi mugore igihe uruhinja rwabo rwari rumaze ibyumweru bibiri bisa ruvutse.
Lauren ati: “Guhita njya mu rukundo nyuma yo gutandukana n’umugabo wanjye, bwari nk’uburyo bwo gupfuka igisebe nari maze kurugiriramo. Nta kindi inshuti zanjye zashakaga kuvuga usibye gatanya yanjye, uburyo yo yari ikabije kuba mbi n’ukuntu nari narafashwe nabi cyane mu rukundo. Rero numvaga nshaka ikintu gitandukanye.”Mu gihe cy’amezi nk’uko Lauren abivuga, uwahoze ari umugabo we yamwigizeho indyarya amubeshya agira ngo amwumvishe ko ibyo yamukekagaho nta shingiro byari bifite.Yavuye mu rukundo “yumva adandabirana ahuhwa n’umuyaga” yiyumva nk’aho “ntazi icyiza cya nyacyo nakora kiruta ibindi.” Nyuma y’imyaka 13 ni bwo yumvise ko noneho ashobora kujya mu rundi rukundo. Ati “Ntekereza ko icyo cyari igihe gihagije rwose.”
Umuhungu wa Lauren yatumye na we ubwe yibaza ku byo yatekerezaga ku bagabo muri rusange.Ati: “Umuhungu wanjye yambwiraga ukuntu bigoye gukurira iruhande rw’abagabo babi b’abahemu mu rukundo. Naje kumenya ko itari sosiyete yakuragamo ibyo bintu ahubwo ko yabikuraga no mu rugo, no kuri jyewe ubwanjye ahubwo kuko yamemye ubwenge yumva mbivuga. Byatumye ntekereza ukuntu ibitekerezo byo kubona uruhande rubi rw’ibintu byagiye bigakabya muri njye.”“Biragaragara njye ibyo nzi bibi mbona biva ku byambayeho, bisa n’ibimpuma amaso nkareba ibibi gusa – nyamara ndi nyina – umuhungu wanjye agira umutima mwiza cyane kand ukomeye, agira impuhwe n’ubuntu, ni umuhungu mwiza cyane. Ubwo rero nta washidikanya ko hari abeza nka we hanze aho.”
Lauren ubu ari mu rukundo n’umuhungu bahuriye ku mbuga zo kurambagirizanaho nyuma y’uko we ahashyize umwirondoro w’ukuri w’uko amaze imyaka irenga 10 atandukanye n’umugabo, ko afite umwana w’umuhungu n’ibindi byose atabeshye.“Umukunzi wanjye ni umwe mu bantu b’ibitangaza nahuye na bo. Ni umugabo utemba ineza, amatsiko kandi ukunda kwishima cyane no gushimisha abandi. Mu by’ukuri yangaruyemo icyizere nari naratakarije abagabo,” ni ko Lauren avuga umukunzi we mushya.Akomeza agira ati: “Icyambahi mu rukundo rwacu cyose, ndishimira ko nakize ibikomere nagize mu mutima bihagije ku buryo nshobora kuwufungurira byuzuye undi muntu nkaba nzi ko nshobora kubabara yego ariko nkiyumva ko nkomeye, mfite imbaraga kandi mfite icyizere gihagije cyo kuba nakongera ngafata amahirwe mashya y’urukundo nkarunezererwamo ntabangamiwe n’ibikomere nagiriye mu rwa kera.”