Guhemukira cyangwa guca inyuma cyangwa guheheta usize uwo mukundana cyangwa uwo mwashakanye, bisobanurwa nk’igihe umuntu usanzwe afite uwo bashakanye cyangwa bakundana ari mu mubano w’urukundo gabo/gore n’undi ku buryo banakorana imibonano mpuzabitsina uwo mukunzi we wundi atabizi.
Aha cyane ariko ni mu gihe abakundana bombi babiziranyeho kandi biyemeje ko umubano wabo gabo gore ari bo bonyine bawurimo, bitari nko mu bihugu aho gushaka abagore barenze umwe byemewe.
Umva iyi video nziza hano twaguteguriye
Icyakora guca inyuma uwo mwashakanye cyangwa se mukundana ntibifite igisobanuro kimwe gusa cyakumvikanwaho na bose. Icyo ababiri bakundana (couple) bafata nko gucana inyuma gishobora kuba ku bandi ahubwo ari nk’ikirungo kuri bo kikaba kandi ari na cyo gikomeza urukundo rwabo.
Urugero, kuba uwo mwashakanye yisanzura cyane ku wundi ariko ntibaryamane byakwitwa kuguca inyuma ? Kuba se umwe mu bashakanye ari mu rukundo n’umuntu ariko badahura mbese bakundanira ku ikoranabuhanga ?
Gucana inyuma haba hagati y’abakundana batarabana n’abashakanye byafashe intera cyane cyane bijyanye n’iterambere ry’ikoranabuhanga n’izindi mpamvu zigendana n’aho isi igeze ndetse ingaruka zibivamo zikunda kuba mbi cyane kuko uretse gutandukana, hari n’ubwo bivamo kwicana n’ibindi bibi byinshi.
Muri iyi nkuru twanditse twifashishije iya Psychology Today na Mayo Clinic, turakugezaho ibimenyetso byakugaragariza ko uwo mukundana aguca inyuma n’inama z’uko wabyitwaramo kugira ngo he kuba ibibi biruta ibindi, cyane ko gucibwa inyuma bigera aho uwo mukundana aryamana n’undi ari nk’ikosa rya nyuma ribi abakundana batabasha kwihanganira.
Niba waratangiye gutekereza ko uwo mukundana aguca inyuma, hari ibyago byinshi ko koko bihari, ni nka bya bindi ngo ahari ihene haba hari n’ikiziriko. Mu gihe nta cyo wakoresha cyizewe 100% cyakwemeza ko umukunzi wawe aguca inyuma, hari ibimenyetso simusiga kandi byinshi byakwereka ko ubuhemu mu rukundo rwanyu buriho.
Ngibi bimwe mu bimenyetso bizwi cyane biranga abaca inyuma abo bakundana cyangwa abo bashakanye:
Arinda Cyane Ibikoresho bye by’Ikoranabuhanga (Telefone, Mudasobwa, Tablet…)
Muri iki gihe abantu benshi barangwaho no guca abakunzi babo bakakora ariko amafuti yabo ndetse n’ibimenyetso bigasigara muri bya bikoresho byabo by’ikoranabuhanga (kuri mudasobwa cyangwa telefone) ndetse na murandasi.
Niba uwo mwashakanye cyangwa mukundana akunda kurinda cyane ibikoresho bye by’ikoranabuhanga, akaba atifuza ko ubikoraho cyangwa ko umenya uko abikoresha, rimwe na rimwe akagira abo abiganirraho na bo yihishe, ibi bishobora kuba bivuga ko adashaka ko umenya abo bavugana. Ni hamwe kandi uzasanga umubare cyangwa ijambo ry’ibanga akoresha afungura telefone ye adashobora kwemera ko ubimenya nubwo atari itegeko ko ubimenya.
Ni kimwe mu bimenyetso ko afite icyo agukinga, kandi kenshi ni uko afite undi bagira batya bagakorana ibyo mwakabaye mukorana nk’abakundana.
Hari igihe runaka umuburira irengero
Niba hari ibihe umukunzi wawe aburirwa irengero ukaba utazi aho ari, cyangwa ukaba utanamubona kuri telefone, na byo bisobanura ko ashobora kuba ari kumwe n’umuntu atifuza ko wamenya.
Ibisobanuro bidahura
Kubeshya buriya biragora kurusha uko abantu benshi babyumva, cyane cyane guhora ubeshya uwo mubana. Mu gihe ababeshyi bagerageza gusubiramo inkuru mu buryo bumwe buri gihe babeshya, hari ubwo igihe bajagaraye bavuga amakuru atandukanye n’ayo bavugaga cyangwa igihe babajijwe ikibazo runaka mu buryo butadukanye n’ubwo basanzwe bakibazwamo.
Umukunzi wawe naramuka aguhaye ibisobanuro bivuguruzanya ku hantu ari, icyo arimo gukora cyangwa uburyo azimo umuntu ukeka ko agucanamo inyuma na we, impamvu ishobora kuba ari uko ubushobozi bwe bwo gukomeza kubeshya ikinyoma mu buryo bumwe byamunaniye.
Gahunda zihindagurika
Niba uzi amasaha runaka umukunzi wawe amara ku kazi ubundi ugatangira kubona aragenda atahira amasaha atandukanye na yo kandi akazi atabitegetswe, birashoboka ko afite aho ajya kugorobereza.
Ikindi kimenyetso ko umukunzi wawe ashobora kuba aguca inyuma ni igihe atangira kukubonamo inenge atabonaga mbere, kandi wari uzifite wenda, agatangira kukugereranya n’abandi, bityo. Aha ikibazo ntikiba ari wowe, biba ari ibiba biri mu mutwe we.
Inshuti ze zihindura uko zikwitwaraho
Nubwo umuntu uca inyuma umukunzi we agerageza uko ashoboye kose kubihisha, hari umugani baca umugani mu Kinyarwanda ngo “N’uwendeye nyina mu nyenga yaramenywe”. Kenshi inshuti z’uca inyuma umukunzi we zirabimenya mbere y’uko ubimenya.
Niba rero ubona izi nshuti zihindura uko zakwitwaragaho, kandi ukaba nta mpamvu yabyo uzi, birashoboka ko ari uko zizi ibiri kuba.
Akoresha amafaranga mu buryo utazi
Niba uwo mwashakanye atangiye guhindura uburyo akoresha amafaranga n’umutungo wanyu mu buryo mutaziranyeho, ibi bishobora kuba ikimenyetso cy’uko hari ikintu kiri kumubaho kidasanzwe. Aha ni nk’igihe uzabona yabikuje amafaranga menshi kuri konti ye kandi ntabigusobanurire ndetse ntubone icyo wenda yayakoresheje.
Kugushinja akubeshyera ko umuca inyuma
Abantu baca inyuma abakunzi babo kenshi na bo ntibanabizera na gato. Kenshi iyo umuntu yakoze ikintu kibi runaka atangira kurega no gushinja abandi iyo ngeso mbi cyangwa agatekereza ko buri wese wundi yitwara nka we cyangwa bameze kimwe.
Ibi ni byo abahanga mu buzima bwo mu mutwe bita “projection’’ kuko nubwo betemeranya ku buryo bikora, ariko bemera ko bibaho. Ibi byitwa “projection” ni byo bituma uca inyuma mugenzi we kenshi agushinja cyangwa agashinja umukunzi we kumuca inyuma.
Biranashoboka kandi ko umukunzi wawe azagushinja akubeshyera ko umuca inyuma kubera ko yumva agufuhira cyane kandi na we adatekanye, cyane cyane ko aba yumva ko ibyo agukorera nawe waba ubimukorera. Ni kimwe mu bimenyetso bikomeye igihe uzabona umukunzi wawe agukekaho kumuca inyuma kandi akagufuhira bikabije nyamara utabikora.
Hari abantu bagiye bavuga mu biganiro n’itangazamakuru bakavuga ko baciye inyuma abakunzi babo nk’uburyo bwo kwihimura, kuko bakekaga ko abakunzi babo bashoboraga kuba barabaciye inyuma mbere.
Utekereza ko aguca inyuma ariko utazi impamvu
Ni kwa kundi ngo umuntu atayoberwa umwibye ahubwo akayoberwa aho amuhise. Umubare munini w’abantu bavumbura ko abakunzi babo babaca inyuma usanga babikeka ku mpamvu badashobora mu by’ukuri gusobanura.
Hari inyigo zerekana ko abantu bashobora gutahura ibinyoma mu buryo na bo ubwabo batazi nubwo badashobora kubivugaho cyangwa ngo bagaragaze ibyo binyoma. Ni igihe umuntu akubeshya, ukumva ko akubeshye ariko nta kimenyetso wabyerekanisha.
Niba wumva nta mahoro ufite, ukumva ufite amakenga ariko utabasha gusobanura, birashoboka ko nyine umutima wawe uri kukubwira ko umukunzi wawe hari icyo akubeshya.
Uko wabigenza igihe umukunzi wawe aguca inyuma
Kumenya ko umuntu mwasezeranye ko atazaguhemukira yaguciye inyuma bishobora kuzamura muri wowe amarangamutima mabi cyane. Ushobora kumva urakaye, ukababara, ukishinja amakosa, ukumva usa n’uwahemukiwe n’ibindi.
Biragoye ko wacibwa inyuma ngo ugire ibitekerezo biri ku murongo ukibimenya. Icyakora nubikeka cyangwa ukabimenya ko umukunzi wawe aguca cyangwa yaguciye inyuma, dore bimwe mu byo ushobora gukora :
Wifata umwanzuro uhutiyeho
Menya ko iki ari igihe kidasanzwe kandi nta cyo bitwaye kumva uburakari n’akababaro. Icyo wakora cy’ibanze rero ni ugushaka ubufasha ku bashobora kubuguha kinyamwuga igihe icyo ari cyo cyo cyose utekereza ko ushobora kwiyangiza cyangwa ukangiza undi, cyangwa ukangiza umutungo.
Shaka ubufasha
Ntibigukwiriye ko ucibwa inyuma maze ngo ibyo bitekerezo ubyigumaniremo imbere. Ibi bigushengura kurushaho kandi uko ubigumana ni na ko biba bishobora kukugiraho ingaruka zikomeye kurushaho. Gerageza ushake uburyo wagabanya icyo gitutu. Sangiza inshuti wizeye n’abawe bandi ibyiyumvo byawe n’ibyo uri gucamo.
Ushobora kandi gusanga umuganga w’indwara zo mu mutwe n’umujyanama (therapist) waba uri wenyine cyangwa uri kumwe n’umukunzi wawe. Umujyanama wabyigiye ni umuntu wizewe watanga ubufasha nyobora bubageza ku bwiyunge cyangwa ku ntambwe yo gutangira ubuzima bushya butarimo umukunzi waguhemukiye, bitewe n’icyo uhisemo.
Emera amakosa, wikwikanyiza
Niba ari wowe waciye inyuma umukunzi wawe, intambwe ya mbere ibageza ku bwiyunge ni ukwemera amakosa utazana inzitwazo kandi ukirengera ingaruka z’ibikorwa wakoze. Kwemera ikosa nta buryarya ni igice kidashidikanywaho cy’ingenzi mu rugendo rwo gukira.
Ganira mu bwubahane
Kuganiriza umukunzi wawe umwubashye ni ingenzi cyane — kabone n’ubwo wowe n’umukunzi wawe mwaba mutabana, ni ukuvuga igihe mwatandukanye. Ibi biba ingenzi cyane kandi igihe mufitanye abana.
Aha muba mugomba kwemeranya mu bwubahane uko mubigenza ngo mutangiza umubano wanyu n’abana.
Mu gihe mushoboye kwiyunga, hari ubwo umukunzi wawe azagusaba gusiba amayira yose yaguhuzaga n’uwo mwamucanyeho inyuma.
Izere umukunzi wawe nta mbereka kandi utamucyurira
Niba wiyemeje kubabarira no kugumana n’umukunzi wawe cyangwa uwo mwashakanye waguciye inyuma, ni ngombwa ko ushaka ko umugarurira icyizere wamutakarije.
Umukunzi wawe waguciye inyuma yifuza ko umubabarira ubikuye ku mutima, bitari ukumukeka ubusa kuri buri kabaye kose kandi ukirinda guhora umucyurira ko yaguhemukiye.
Nubigenza utyo, uzamufasha kuguma ashikamye mu rukundo rwanyu, kandi bimufashe kwakira imbabazi no kuba atakongera kurota kuguca inyuma